Lots of bark, but not nearly enough biting lesbians

Movie: Lesbian Vampire Killers
Director: Phil Claydon
Starring: Paul McGann, James Corden, Mathew Horne
Rating: 5/10

The latest entry into the subgenre of lesbian vampire movies, this bawdy pulp horror film holds no pretences as to what it is trying to do: show a bit of blood, boobs and lesbianism.

Jimmy Maclaren (Mathew Horne) and best mate Fletch (James Corden) are on a leisurely walking holiday when they find themselves stuck in a remote cottage with a campervan full of very sexy foreign female students inside, and a horde of very hungry lesbian vampires outside. According to legend, Camilla the Lesbian Vampire Queen placed a curse on the village in which the cottage belongs which enslaved all local women to become lesbian vampires once they turn 18.

This is most definitely pulp horror at its best. It is cheesy, cliched, and full to the brim of references to films that have gone before it, such as "Evil Dead 2" and "The Lost Boys". The acting is bearable, with the funniest character being Fletch by far. His one-liners and reluctance to do anything but drink and pick up a young, hot, foreign student is the highlight of the film.

It is also easy to see the influence other (and funnier) British comedians Simon Pegg and Nick Frost have had, but it is a shame that this film never came close to reaching the levels of comedy or social satire as "Shaun of the Dead".

What was also disappointing was the fact that the lesbianism implied in the title was severely lacking - there were maybe two scenes in which this was displayed. And for a film purely aimed at young men drawn to the idea of lesbian vampires, it is a fairly big omission.

This is a film most definitely targeted at young men who hope to catch a glimpse of gore and bare breasts, and it will never amount to anything else.

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Lesbian Vampire Killers looks better than Zombie Strippers and well, pretty much any cheap B-grade schlock horror film combined.

Going in to this film, you'll know exactly what to expect. Zombies. Lesbians. Killers. Just like when you went to watch Snakes on a Plane you knew what was going to happen (unless you thought it was going to be an adult film). And I think we need more movies like this.

And I'm not saying that just because I'm a guy who likes lesbians, vampires, or killers.

A Rocky Ride

Movie: RockNRolla

Director: Guy Ritchie

Starring: Gerard Butler, Toby Kebbel, Thandie Newton

Rating: 7/10

Guy Ritchie has directed great films like Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. But he has also directed some rubbish features (Swept Away springs instantly to mind), and so when I went to see his newest film, RockNRolla, you can understand my trepidation.

Of course, the benefit of this is that Ritchie is back in his well-worn-London-gangster-film-slippers, which promises at least a halfway decent film. And it was. Halfway decent.

By which I mean the film didn’t really pick up until just after the halfway mark. For the first part of the film, the ridiculously complicated plot lines and the relevant characters are established. During this phase the directing and the story feels lacklustre as it meandered on its journey towards the dramatic conclusion. That isn’t to say it wasn’t well-acted, because it was. Thandie Newton as the sexy dangerous accountant is, well, sexy; Gerard Butler’s criminal One Two is endearing and amusing; Toby Kebbel playing the dead drugged up rock star Johnny Quid to perfection, and the rest of the cast is equally great.

The storyline is convoluted and unnecessary in the beginning, with clunky silences and awkward direction, but then Ritchie comes into his own towards the end with his trademark cuts and quick progression and it feels more assured, more grown up. And it works better for it.

The dialogue is also more grown up, but that’s not to say there aren’t the typical Ritchie flourishes and one-liners, but it feels more responsible and it helps to keep the slow story flowing at the beginning.

By the end of the film you’ll want to see more, and Ritchie is going to give you that opportunity with another two films with the same characters. So as the end credits say, “The Wild Bunch will return in the Real RockNRolla”.

Here’s hoping Ritchie's recently returned skills stick around for the next one.

Movies that will make you cry like a big girl

I don't cry in movies. Hell, I rarely cry at all. But there are always some scenes or movies that get to me. And I figure that if they can to someone as hard and as masculine as me, then it must leave all you other wimps bawling in the dirt, wailing at the unfairness of it all.

So in no particular order I give you some of the saddest scenes in history. And if none of these affect you, you have no soul and we should go have a beer.

Also, there are probably spoilers in here somewhere.

The Lion King
How can this not upset everyone?



Bambi
I've never seen this film, but I've seen clips. And this is pretty sad. But imagine how well the hunter is gonna eat tonight!



Homeward Bound
Shadow is stuck in the mud and he's injured and we don't know if he'll be okay! Oh no!



American History X
One of the best endings ever.



My Girl
This is what you get for messing with bees. If Thomas J. had been more of a man, this never would've happened.



Armageddon
I was gonna put the fat guy being hit by a meteor at the start of the film in, but this one will have to do.



The Land Before Time
In true classic cartoon style, a mother dies leaving her baby to find their own way...



Mystic River
Sean Penn may be crazy, but damn he's a great actor.



Love Story
A romance story that is more wishy-washy than The Notebook, and all the better for it!



Meet Joe Black
And if this scene doesn't get you crying, I don't know what will!

Quarantine this film...

Movie: Quarantine
Director: John Erick Dowdle
Starring: Jennifer Carpenter, Columbus Short, Marin Hinkle
Rating: 4/10

Rookie reporter Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) and her cameraman Scott (Steve Harris) work for a reality TV show about people that work whilst the rest of the world is asleep. As a result they are assigned to cover the night shift at an LA fire station. Nothing happens for most of the night apart from flirting and establishing the characters of Vidal and her cameraman, as well as the two firemen they’ve been assigned to (ten bucks says you can guess who dies first).

Then suddenly they get a call in the middle of the night and rush to a small apartment block where they meet up with two cops. Once inside, they find a woman covered in blood and breathing heavily. She then attacks them... with her teeth. As the cast try to get help for the injured policeman, they realise that the building is sealed and they have no way of escaping.

If the premise sounds familiar, it is because “Quarantine” is a remake of a Spanish film that was released just last year, but they're zombies in Spain and not infected with some weird mutation of rabies.

The entire film is shot with the one camera to give it a more realistic feeling (much like The Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield). Like the two previous films, the camera work is shaky and, as the horror mounts, finds it harder to focus. This is a technique that does work; though if you have a squeamish disposition or get motion sickness and have an aversion to gore, don’t see the film.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what the ending will be, and as such the character development is perfunctory at best. We know Vidal and her plucky cameraman will survive to the very end, and as the rest of the cast is dispatched we find them alone but for one of the firemen, Jake (Jay Hernandez), as they try to make it out alive.

Needless to say they fail.

Which is what you could say about the film. It is supposed to be a horror film, and although there are tense moments, there was nothing more substantial to it. The cast is as solid as a horror movie can be (all Carpenter needed to do was look pretty, look flirty, look scared, scream, look pretty, look scared and so on), but otherwise it falls into the category of ‘been there, done that’.

Movies of the (upcoming) Month

For a change I'm going to make judgements about films purely on rumours and my own personal prejudices. Which obviously means I'll be correct in every single one of my comments, and if by chance I am wrong then I reserve the right to change my mind.
Because I'm a girl.

We start December with some crackers. We have Four Christmases with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn, and we all know what that means right? It's gonna be crap. Joining that wonderful yule time shit fest will be yet another crap film, High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Now excuse me if I don't get all excited like a pre-pubescent boy who has just seen a glimpse of boobs for the very first time and needs to change his pants, but come on! One was enough to scar the world completely thank you very much.

Then we have teen vampire flick Twilight to whet our whistles, and to be honest I couldn't care less about it. It's gonna be the same old teenage moody angst but this time, shock horror, it will be with VAMPIRES! OMFG! Vampires? Seriously? And the acting looks shite as well.

I think I've noticed a trend, because we also have Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa coming out as well. And for all intents and purposes I can pretty much guarantee it will be exactly the same as the first one, just on mainland Africa. Though at least the penguins will be back - they were the best bit of the last one.

On Boxing Day we have the big releases - the ones that should make you sit back and take notice because, dammit, these are gonna be awesome films. Well, they should be at any rate.

But to be honest, out of a list of like 8 movies, only 4 look actually tempting. We have Frost/Nixon which is based on a play based on an interview between disgraced former US President Nixon and young whippersnapper of a journalist from England, Frost. It looks to be a great film, especially if you know about the interviews that the film is based on.

Then we have French drama I've Loved You So Long with Kristin Scott Thomas. This had rave reviews in the UK and France and she is generally a very strong actress. Expect tears in this film though. Lots and lots of tears.

Another film that looks to be a tear-jerker (as well as somewhat disturbing) is the next Brad Pitt film, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. About a man who ages backwards, you just know that there is gonna be a lot of tragedy and heartache, but also some heart-warming moments too. Though nothing can beat Brad's death in Meet Joe Black.

And lastly there is the sex-addled film Vicky Cristina Barcelona. This is supposed to be Woody Allen at his depraved best. Also, it features girl on girl action, and that's always something I can get behind!