The female orgasm is a myth. It is a myth perpetuated by girly magazines and feminist groups the world over to demean men even more than they already have been. What’s that I hear? The sound of women the world over abusing me verbally for ruining their little mind-control technique? Sorry ladies, but the truth must come out. After all, enough is enough. No more must we men be made to feel inferior in the bedroom! No more must we men be belittled and demeaned by women forcing us to make them orgasm – and seemingly fail! No more must we take this mental abuse that damages us psychologically! Stand up and defy them I say. We must fight this! We can not let them get the better of us in this way for it has gone on too long already.
Where is my proof you may be asking, to which I reply – who needs proof when we have the truth? What evidence have women supplied to us to prove that they do indeed orgasm? It is not obvious like a man’s – which is a real orgasm. No, women have convinced us that they are capable of orgasms from vaginal and clitoral stimulation (and then some) but they all just fake it. It isn’t real. It started with the feminists no doubt. They were busy liberating themselves from the kitchen or the laundry – the places they belong – and started taking an interest in sex, politics, and freedom from the ‘oppressive’ hand of man. So during one of their meetings that they held every week (on the pretence of a tea party or Tupperware party or some such thing) one woman got up and asked, ‘What is an orgasm like?’ What did she get in reply? Stunned silence. Nobody knew. Not one lady knew. Sure they guessed, threw some ideas around, but really they had nothing. So one bright young woman (who probably progressed in to politics. No, wait, I lie. She wouldn’t have been able to, thank God) stood up and said something along the lines of ‘Well if no-one knows, maybe it means that we, as a gender, are physically incapable of having an orgasm.’
Needless to say, this didn’t go down particularly well (not that any of them went down well anyway) because they soon realised that without this orgasm, they would never be empowered in the bedroom. And if they were never empowered in the bedroom, they would never be empowered in other aspects of life. Oh the uproar that came about from this – they even started using foul language such as ‘Damnation’ and ‘Hell’, and I’m fairly sure someone may have said ‘Drats’. They realised then that the feminist movement would never really progress if they could not have power over the stronger sex. Finally, however, once the situation had dissipated and the foul language was not being thrown around like a toddler in a washing machine, the same bright young woman came up with the idea of faking the orgasm. I told you she was smart. For a woman at least. Anyway, imagine this – a living room in a small old house somewhere in a backwards country town. There are water stains on the ceiling, ashtrays full of cigarette butts litter the coffee and side tables, a light shines weakly from the ceiling – barely lighting the room – and the soft hum of the wireless in the background mingles with the constant metronomic tick of the grandfather clock out in the hallway. Magazines are on the couch, on the table, on the floor. Clothes strewn across the floor. It is a dirty room in a dirty house. Why? Because the woman who lives there is single and does not have a man to keep her in line with society.
I digress however. So as you imagine that room – that dirty little room – imagine a small gaggle of women perched on the couch, on the uncomfortable chairs, on the floor, filling the room with their oestrogen and dreams of a better life. And this woman, this one young woman comes up with the answer to all the problems. To create an orgasm, nay, the idea of an orgasm, and to make men believe that women can actually achieve this higher state of bliss, this Nirvana. They of course don’t know how to go about actually creating this because once again, there is no man there to guide them. So instead they put their heads together – literally. Just like the geniuses they are. And they brainstorm. They throw ideas out for hours, they yell at each other, they scream, they shout, they forgive. It is emotionally exhausting for them all, so they constantly replenish their tea and their scones with jam and cream and maybe even a little bit of chocolate just for that extra kick. But finally the smarter young woman from before stands in the centre of the room, puts her hands on her hips… and moans. She starts softly at first, trying to get the rhythm, the feel of it all, before gradually parting her lips she releases the moan out into the room for all to hear. She starts to breathe heavier – almost panting with pleasure – and she closes her eyes. She clenches and unclenches her fists over and over again as she lets out a louder groan. She starts to speak. ‘Oh God. Oh God. OhGodohGodohGodohGodohGodohGod…’ on and on it goes. She grabs on to the closest thing at hand and squeezes. Hard. She rakes her fingernails over it again and again. Her back arches, her legs spread and she quivers with ‘pleasure’. The other women in the room watch, fascinated. Unsure as to what is happening. Soon, the woman collapses to the floor. Her hair is messy and a light coating of sweat shines on her perfectly made up face. She looks up at the women surrounding her, and she smiles. ‘I think we have it,’ she says.
The women are understandably amazed at what has just transpired. They immediately see the hold over men that this shall bring. Before they go, however, the instigator – the creator of the Orgasm, so to speak – tells them this: ‘When you go home, be nice to your husband or your lover. Do everything that is expected of you. Cook them dinner, clean their clothes and wash the house. But when you get to bed, you instigate the maritals. You start it as that will be the beginning of your power. And once it has started, be sure to do your best to please him, but before he climaxes like the man he is, stop. Tell him you want him to do that to you. You want him to make you feel the way he feels when he orgasms. Of course, by this stage your man should be so full of fire and desperation he will do anything to get that release into Nirvana. So encourage him to play, to experiment, to explore. Tell him it feels oh so good when he touches you there, or there, and even there. Tell him you want more. Gain the power. If he starts to retreat, let him do so, for you know that soon he will be in your power. Every few nights, start the conjugation of bodies and little by little, get him to believe that he can make you arrive at Nirvana with him. If he questions you on where you found this out, tell him anything you want. As long as he believes you. For once one man believes you, the rest shall follow. And once they believe this, then they shall try ever harder to make us achieve this state of bliss that we are biologically unable to arrive at. We shall moan and groan and make them believe that they are giving us the pleasure they want to believe they are giving us – but we shall not finish it. This is important. If we continue to make them believe that we are in fact capable of achieving orgasm, yet they never seem to make us, their masculinity shall be called into question. They will wonder what they are doing wrong and how to correct it. And soon, guilt and shame shall overwhelm them and it is then that we shall strike. We shall control them with our bodies and the idea that we can achieve orgasm. Through this, we shall rule the world.’
So gentlemen, the next time you are in bed with that special someone (or not so special someone, as the case may be) do not worry about them, for they are just trying to control us. Concentrate on pleasuring yourself – no matter how fast it may be. We must take this power away from them, and now that this myth has been revealed to the world, we can once more recover the power that we rightfully deserve – for we are men, and we shall rule the world as God intended.
Where is my proof you may be asking, to which I reply – who needs proof when we have the truth? What evidence have women supplied to us to prove that they do indeed orgasm? It is not obvious like a man’s – which is a real orgasm. No, women have convinced us that they are capable of orgasms from vaginal and clitoral stimulation (and then some) but they all just fake it. It isn’t real. It started with the feminists no doubt. They were busy liberating themselves from the kitchen or the laundry – the places they belong – and started taking an interest in sex, politics, and freedom from the ‘oppressive’ hand of man. So during one of their meetings that they held every week (on the pretence of a tea party or Tupperware party or some such thing) one woman got up and asked, ‘What is an orgasm like?’ What did she get in reply? Stunned silence. Nobody knew. Not one lady knew. Sure they guessed, threw some ideas around, but really they had nothing. So one bright young woman (who probably progressed in to politics. No, wait, I lie. She wouldn’t have been able to, thank God) stood up and said something along the lines of ‘Well if no-one knows, maybe it means that we, as a gender, are physically incapable of having an orgasm.’
Needless to say, this didn’t go down particularly well (not that any of them went down well anyway) because they soon realised that without this orgasm, they would never be empowered in the bedroom. And if they were never empowered in the bedroom, they would never be empowered in other aspects of life. Oh the uproar that came about from this – they even started using foul language such as ‘Damnation’ and ‘Hell’, and I’m fairly sure someone may have said ‘Drats’. They realised then that the feminist movement would never really progress if they could not have power over the stronger sex. Finally, however, once the situation had dissipated and the foul language was not being thrown around like a toddler in a washing machine, the same bright young woman came up with the idea of faking the orgasm. I told you she was smart. For a woman at least. Anyway, imagine this – a living room in a small old house somewhere in a backwards country town. There are water stains on the ceiling, ashtrays full of cigarette butts litter the coffee and side tables, a light shines weakly from the ceiling – barely lighting the room – and the soft hum of the wireless in the background mingles with the constant metronomic tick of the grandfather clock out in the hallway. Magazines are on the couch, on the table, on the floor. Clothes strewn across the floor. It is a dirty room in a dirty house. Why? Because the woman who lives there is single and does not have a man to keep her in line with society.
I digress however. So as you imagine that room – that dirty little room – imagine a small gaggle of women perched on the couch, on the uncomfortable chairs, on the floor, filling the room with their oestrogen and dreams of a better life. And this woman, this one young woman comes up with the answer to all the problems. To create an orgasm, nay, the idea of an orgasm, and to make men believe that women can actually achieve this higher state of bliss, this Nirvana. They of course don’t know how to go about actually creating this because once again, there is no man there to guide them. So instead they put their heads together – literally. Just like the geniuses they are. And they brainstorm. They throw ideas out for hours, they yell at each other, they scream, they shout, they forgive. It is emotionally exhausting for them all, so they constantly replenish their tea and their scones with jam and cream and maybe even a little bit of chocolate just for that extra kick. But finally the smarter young woman from before stands in the centre of the room, puts her hands on her hips… and moans. She starts softly at first, trying to get the rhythm, the feel of it all, before gradually parting her lips she releases the moan out into the room for all to hear. She starts to breathe heavier – almost panting with pleasure – and she closes her eyes. She clenches and unclenches her fists over and over again as she lets out a louder groan. She starts to speak. ‘Oh God. Oh God. OhGodohGodohGodohGodohGodohGod…’ on and on it goes. She grabs on to the closest thing at hand and squeezes. Hard. She rakes her fingernails over it again and again. Her back arches, her legs spread and she quivers with ‘pleasure’. The other women in the room watch, fascinated. Unsure as to what is happening. Soon, the woman collapses to the floor. Her hair is messy and a light coating of sweat shines on her perfectly made up face. She looks up at the women surrounding her, and she smiles. ‘I think we have it,’ she says.
The women are understandably amazed at what has just transpired. They immediately see the hold over men that this shall bring. Before they go, however, the instigator – the creator of the Orgasm, so to speak – tells them this: ‘When you go home, be nice to your husband or your lover. Do everything that is expected of you. Cook them dinner, clean their clothes and wash the house. But when you get to bed, you instigate the maritals. You start it as that will be the beginning of your power. And once it has started, be sure to do your best to please him, but before he climaxes like the man he is, stop. Tell him you want him to do that to you. You want him to make you feel the way he feels when he orgasms. Of course, by this stage your man should be so full of fire and desperation he will do anything to get that release into Nirvana. So encourage him to play, to experiment, to explore. Tell him it feels oh so good when he touches you there, or there, and even there. Tell him you want more. Gain the power. If he starts to retreat, let him do so, for you know that soon he will be in your power. Every few nights, start the conjugation of bodies and little by little, get him to believe that he can make you arrive at Nirvana with him. If he questions you on where you found this out, tell him anything you want. As long as he believes you. For once one man believes you, the rest shall follow. And once they believe this, then they shall try ever harder to make us achieve this state of bliss that we are biologically unable to arrive at. We shall moan and groan and make them believe that they are giving us the pleasure they want to believe they are giving us – but we shall not finish it. This is important. If we continue to make them believe that we are in fact capable of achieving orgasm, yet they never seem to make us, their masculinity shall be called into question. They will wonder what they are doing wrong and how to correct it. And soon, guilt and shame shall overwhelm them and it is then that we shall strike. We shall control them with our bodies and the idea that we can achieve orgasm. Through this, we shall rule the world.’
So gentlemen, the next time you are in bed with that special someone (or not so special someone, as the case may be) do not worry about them, for they are just trying to control us. Concentrate on pleasuring yourself – no matter how fast it may be. We must take this power away from them, and now that this myth has been revealed to the world, we can once more recover the power that we rightfully deserve – for we are men, and we shall rule the world as God intended.
No comments:
Post a Comment