Movies that will make you cry like a big girl

I don't cry in movies. Hell, I rarely cry at all. But there are always some scenes or movies that get to me. And I figure that if they can to someone as hard and as masculine as me, then it must leave all you other wimps bawling in the dirt, wailing at the unfairness of it all.

So in no particular order I give you some of the saddest scenes in history. And if none of these affect you, you have no soul and we should go have a beer.

Also, there are probably spoilers in here somewhere.

The Lion King
How can this not upset everyone?



Bambi
I've never seen this film, but I've seen clips. And this is pretty sad. But imagine how well the hunter is gonna eat tonight!



Homeward Bound
Shadow is stuck in the mud and he's injured and we don't know if he'll be okay! Oh no!



American History X
One of the best endings ever.



My Girl
This is what you get for messing with bees. If Thomas J. had been more of a man, this never would've happened.



Armageddon
I was gonna put the fat guy being hit by a meteor at the start of the film in, but this one will have to do.



The Land Before Time
In true classic cartoon style, a mother dies leaving her baby to find their own way...



Mystic River
Sean Penn may be crazy, but damn he's a great actor.



Love Story
A romance story that is more wishy-washy than The Notebook, and all the better for it!



Meet Joe Black
And if this scene doesn't get you crying, I don't know what will!

Quarantine this film...

Movie: Quarantine
Director: John Erick Dowdle
Starring: Jennifer Carpenter, Columbus Short, Marin Hinkle
Rating: 4/10

Rookie reporter Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) and her cameraman Scott (Steve Harris) work for a reality TV show about people that work whilst the rest of the world is asleep. As a result they are assigned to cover the night shift at an LA fire station. Nothing happens for most of the night apart from flirting and establishing the characters of Vidal and her cameraman, as well as the two firemen they’ve been assigned to (ten bucks says you can guess who dies first).

Then suddenly they get a call in the middle of the night and rush to a small apartment block where they meet up with two cops. Once inside, they find a woman covered in blood and breathing heavily. She then attacks them... with her teeth. As the cast try to get help for the injured policeman, they realise that the building is sealed and they have no way of escaping.

If the premise sounds familiar, it is because “Quarantine” is a remake of a Spanish film that was released just last year, but they're zombies in Spain and not infected with some weird mutation of rabies.

The entire film is shot with the one camera to give it a more realistic feeling (much like The Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield). Like the two previous films, the camera work is shaky and, as the horror mounts, finds it harder to focus. This is a technique that does work; though if you have a squeamish disposition or get motion sickness and have an aversion to gore, don’t see the film.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what the ending will be, and as such the character development is perfunctory at best. We know Vidal and her plucky cameraman will survive to the very end, and as the rest of the cast is dispatched we find them alone but for one of the firemen, Jake (Jay Hernandez), as they try to make it out alive.

Needless to say they fail.

Which is what you could say about the film. It is supposed to be a horror film, and although there are tense moments, there was nothing more substantial to it. The cast is as solid as a horror movie can be (all Carpenter needed to do was look pretty, look flirty, look scared, scream, look pretty, look scared and so on), but otherwise it falls into the category of ‘been there, done that’.

Movies of the (upcoming) Month

For a change I'm going to make judgements about films purely on rumours and my own personal prejudices. Which obviously means I'll be correct in every single one of my comments, and if by chance I am wrong then I reserve the right to change my mind.
Because I'm a girl.

We start December with some crackers. We have Four Christmases with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn, and we all know what that means right? It's gonna be crap. Joining that wonderful yule time shit fest will be yet another crap film, High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Now excuse me if I don't get all excited like a pre-pubescent boy who has just seen a glimpse of boobs for the very first time and needs to change his pants, but come on! One was enough to scar the world completely thank you very much.

Then we have teen vampire flick Twilight to whet our whistles, and to be honest I couldn't care less about it. It's gonna be the same old teenage moody angst but this time, shock horror, it will be with VAMPIRES! OMFG! Vampires? Seriously? And the acting looks shite as well.

I think I've noticed a trend, because we also have Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa coming out as well. And for all intents and purposes I can pretty much guarantee it will be exactly the same as the first one, just on mainland Africa. Though at least the penguins will be back - they were the best bit of the last one.

On Boxing Day we have the big releases - the ones that should make you sit back and take notice because, dammit, these are gonna be awesome films. Well, they should be at any rate.

But to be honest, out of a list of like 8 movies, only 4 look actually tempting. We have Frost/Nixon which is based on a play based on an interview between disgraced former US President Nixon and young whippersnapper of a journalist from England, Frost. It looks to be a great film, especially if you know about the interviews that the film is based on.

Then we have French drama I've Loved You So Long with Kristin Scott Thomas. This had rave reviews in the UK and France and she is generally a very strong actress. Expect tears in this film though. Lots and lots of tears.

Another film that looks to be a tear-jerker (as well as somewhat disturbing) is the next Brad Pitt film, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. About a man who ages backwards, you just know that there is gonna be a lot of tragedy and heartache, but also some heart-warming moments too. Though nothing can beat Brad's death in Meet Joe Black.

And lastly there is the sex-addled film Vicky Cristina Barcelona. This is supposed to be Woody Allen at his depraved best. Also, it features girl on girl action, and that's always something I can get behind!

Madonna Protect Me

Madonna is awesome.

And by awesome I mean crazy.

And by crazy I mean insane.

And by insane I mean completely f**king-nuts.

Seriously.

She's insane.

I have no idea how the superb Guy Ritchie put up with her for so long. I recently stumbled across a list of "rules" (read "dictatorial demands") she made Guy adhere to whilst their children visited him in London.

If that isn't a whole serving of crazy, I don't know what is. If I were Guy I would totally smackthat woman around. And you know what? I'm fairly sure the judge (because let's face it, Madge would take you to court. She's petty like that) would side with Guy after hearing half the crap he has to put up with.

Oh yeah, that list of "rules" was apparently sent by her PA (as stated in the article). Way to take an interest in your kids' lives Madonna.

Thanks to The Daily Mail for the picture.

Quantum of Solace? More like Quantum-of-I-want-to-be-Jason-Bourne-ace.

Movie: Quantum of Solace
Director: Marc Forster
Starring: Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Olga Kurylenko
Rating: 5.5/10

“The name’s Bond. James Bond.”

It’s a line eponymous with the suave and debonair Englishman who has a license to kill. In fact, it would feel like something was missing from a Bond film if that line and the actions associated with the man aren’t in it.

And that is exactly what happened with the newest in the franchise, Quantum of Solace.

Bond films have traditionally been a flight of fantasy. The title character was a cool, calm, killer (lady and bad guys alike) with an easy charm and a dry wit. He felt at home amongst the upper class, staying in extravagant hotels, and had the taste and grooming to match.

But now the series is being re-born (or should that be re-Bourne?), making Bond grittier, tougher, more emotional. And it just doesn’t feel right.

Casino Royale had everything necessary for a rejuvenation of the franchise. But its sequel (and Bond films should never have a sequel) felt like it didn’t know where it was going. It was a mix of drama and action, but the editing was hit-and-miss with an obvious lack of tension and suspense.

There were the briefest of glimpses of the Bond that we all know and love – the glib one-liners, the womanizing charm – but they were too few and far between. It does give hope for any future Bond film though, and that helped save this one from crashing and burning.

The performances were uniformly excellent, with Craig playing the craggy Bond to perfection. His co-stars were equally great, but good acting doesn’t make up for more direction and an even worst storyline.

As a standalone action film, it had the goods necessary to rival the Bourne series – quick cut shots (although Forster does have a penchant for cutting between action and a seemingly irrelevant sequence happening at the same time) and amazing hand-to-hand combat – but as a Bond film it was trying too hard to be something it’s not, and it just didn’t work.

Here’s hoping Bond, James Bond is back for the next one.

GHWT FTW

Whoever said Guitar Hero was for nerds and wannabes?