Madonna Protect Me

Madonna is awesome.

And by awesome I mean crazy.

And by crazy I mean insane.

And by insane I mean completely f**king-nuts.

Seriously.

She's insane.

I have no idea how the superb Guy Ritchie put up with her for so long. I recently stumbled across a list of "rules" (read "dictatorial demands") she made Guy adhere to whilst their children visited him in London.

If that isn't a whole serving of crazy, I don't know what is. If I were Guy I would totally smackthat woman around. And you know what? I'm fairly sure the judge (because let's face it, Madge would take you to court. She's petty like that) would side with Guy after hearing half the crap he has to put up with.

Oh yeah, that list of "rules" was apparently sent by her PA (as stated in the article). Way to take an interest in your kids' lives Madonna.

Thanks to The Daily Mail for the picture.

Quantum of Solace? More like Quantum-of-I-want-to-be-Jason-Bourne-ace.

Movie: Quantum of Solace
Director: Marc Forster
Starring: Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Olga Kurylenko
Rating: 5.5/10

“The name’s Bond. James Bond.”

It’s a line eponymous with the suave and debonair Englishman who has a license to kill. In fact, it would feel like something was missing from a Bond film if that line and the actions associated with the man aren’t in it.

And that is exactly what happened with the newest in the franchise, Quantum of Solace.

Bond films have traditionally been a flight of fantasy. The title character was a cool, calm, killer (lady and bad guys alike) with an easy charm and a dry wit. He felt at home amongst the upper class, staying in extravagant hotels, and had the taste and grooming to match.

But now the series is being re-born (or should that be re-Bourne?), making Bond grittier, tougher, more emotional. And it just doesn’t feel right.

Casino Royale had everything necessary for a rejuvenation of the franchise. But its sequel (and Bond films should never have a sequel) felt like it didn’t know where it was going. It was a mix of drama and action, but the editing was hit-and-miss with an obvious lack of tension and suspense.

There were the briefest of glimpses of the Bond that we all know and love – the glib one-liners, the womanizing charm – but they were too few and far between. It does give hope for any future Bond film though, and that helped save this one from crashing and burning.

The performances were uniformly excellent, with Craig playing the craggy Bond to perfection. His co-stars were equally great, but good acting doesn’t make up for more direction and an even worst storyline.

As a standalone action film, it had the goods necessary to rival the Bourne series – quick cut shots (although Forster does have a penchant for cutting between action and a seemingly irrelevant sequence happening at the same time) and amazing hand-to-hand combat – but as a Bond film it was trying too hard to be something it’s not, and it just didn’t work.

Here’s hoping Bond, James Bond is back for the next one.

GHWT FTW

Whoever said Guitar Hero was for nerds and wannabes?

Mad 28 Days Escape from Braveheart

If you've ever thought to yourself that there should be a movie that combines the best elements of awesome flicks such as 28 Days Later, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, with a little bit of Braveheart thrown in and inspired by flicks like Escape From New York, then you should watch Doomsday.

Not because it's necessarily a good film, but because it fits the aforementioned criteria.

Set in England in 2035, Scotland has been quarantined from the rest of the country due to the 'reaper' virus - a virus that emerged in 2008 and decimated pretty much the entire population. So what does England do? Build a bloody big wall to keep the dying and infected Scots out of their country.

Now it has somehow made it's way to London and so a team of specialists are sent into Scotland to retrieve a cure from survivors.

I never said the premise wasn't weak, nor did I say that it was a particularly good film. But goddamn! This film is full of gratuitous violence: blood spurting, limbs hacked off, bodies exploding, breasts being bared (not really violent per se, but I had to throw them in somewhere)... the whole nine yards.

Leading the charge is super-hot and super-dangerous Major Eden Sinclair played by Rhona Mitra.

As the film progresses we find there are essentially two tribes of survivors - the crazy Mad Max-ian ones that eat human flesh chargrilled to perfection over a massive barbecue pit, and who have taken their styling tips from the punk scene.



(For the observant ones: yes that is gaff tape around the girl's neck, and no it isn't just a fashion statement. In fact, she needs it to keep her head on because, well... you know)



Then there is the other tribe of crazies that live in a massive castle. They've also decked themselves out in full medieval garb just to fit in; horses, armour, crossbows, swords. The whole shebang. These are the ones channeling Braveheart.



Needless to say, trouble ensues and boy it sure is fun to watch. With Mitra muttering one-liners James Bond would be proud of, the action (and the blood-pumping gore) just keeps on coming. And to top it all off, it ends with an epic car chase through the Scottish countryside...



Yep. You can't get much better than a sexy goddamn Bentley Continental GT Speed crashing through a bus AND SURVIVING WITH BARELY A SCRATCH! As an aside, Bentley don't go for the entire product placement thing so the producers actually went out and bought three of those sexy beasts to play with.

This film has taken a cleaver to some awesome films and muddled them up into a mish-mash of cliches filled with blood, gore, and horrible acting. Which means if you're looking for a film that will stretch your mind and infuse your heart with a healthy glow... I'd look elsewhere. But if you want a film chockablock full of... nothing in particular other than body parts galore... then this is the one for you.

Double or Nothing

Double the Fist is back for a second season on the ABC. Why am I bringing this to your attention? Because I can.

Below is a trailer for the upcoming season.



I reviewed the first episode and I found it... different.

Back for a second season is Steve Foxx and he is pissed. The end of last season (four years ago) saw him being jettisoned into space to save the world…

Two armoured knights from a medieval re-enactor society watch on as a flaming meteor crash lands in the desert. Out of the steaming wreckage walks Foxx.

Double the Fist is a show for the boys. It is full of testosterone, anger, vampires, and mullets; the perfect show to watch whilst smashing down cans of VB, eating a bag full of raw snags, and beating your significant other.

Or is it?

Weakness is what is destroying the world (or so Steve says) and it is his self-proclaimed job to get rid of this weakness and make us all strong again. With the help of his mullet-wearing brother Rod, idiot Womp, odd-job man Mephisto, and a panda, this opening episode sees Foxx setting his sights on stealing 1 million dollars from a Pokie Tournament. Now this entire scheme is an homage to that wonderful crime caper Ocean’s Eleven and the aim? to buy a parcel of land where he can set up his headquarters for Fist glory of course.

It is an odd show (which is putting it lightly) with over-the-top special effects (that don’t look too crash hot), and sub-standard acting.

But that’s what they wanted. So they’ve succeeded in their goal of making a cheap and nasty show that’s politically incorrect and sure to raise the ire of several viewers.

Would it be recommended? Probably not, but that panda is hot.


Funnily enough, part of that review was edited out by my sub when I submitted it for a website I write reviews for and I just don't know why. Do you?

Splendid

After a wicked weekend away in Byron Bay for work (I was reviewing Splendour in the Grass which I will publish soon I'm sure) I came across this amazing band called Band of Horses.

They're an American indie rock band and they have such an amazing and dreamy quality to so many of their songs. Below is their song No One's Gonne Love You which really deserves more appreciation.

More songs from them to come.

Repo(ssess) My Heart!

I have found what has to be one of the greatest movies of all time to be released this year. No, I don't mean The Dark Knight, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull nor do I mean Zombie Strippers (which to be fair does look like it'll be a barrel of laughs and has porn star Jenna Jameson and horror maestro Robert Englund in it). A brief summary can be found in this wonderful trailer.




How does that movie not sound appealing? And what's more, how can there be a movie better than that? Well my friends, the answer is here.

Repo! The Genetic Opera.



With stars such as Alexa Vega, Paris Hilton, Sarah Brightman, Anthony Head, and many more actors of awesomeness, it is billed as a cross between Blade Runner, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

Eagle eyed readers may have spotted Paris 'the root of all that is bad in the world' Hilton, but stay with me here. It is a schmaltzy rock opera with hideously amazing costumes and what sounds like a pretty freaking rocking soundtrack. Even she can't go wrong there right? And if she does, we can just hope she meets the same fate she did in House of Wax.



If you still think that Repo! The Genetic Opera looks bad, check out this clip.



There is hope for mankind yet!